2012: Another Year In The Books

Well, here it is again. The end of another year, and once again, I find myself less than enthused at what has transpired, and less than enthusiastic as to what lies ahead.

Melancholy is the right word, I suppose, but as I look back over the previous year, it just seems like each and every year has been a repeat of the “meh” that has come before it. Nothing profound, or noteworthy to make of, and certainly nothing that I would look back on specifically with any sort of fondness.

Collectively there are moments, and I can also look at what has transpired in the lives of my friends and family, and in doing so, feel a sense of elation, congratulation or satisfaction. This is the case for any situation, and I always try to go out of my way to let people know when I think they’ve achieved something really special or have been a significant part of my life, whether they knew it or not.

So that’s not what I’m talking about here. I’m talking about myself, and how I view myself, where I am, and where I’m going, because, to tell you the truth, I haven’t a clue.

Looking ahead, I’ve got one more semester at the University of Findlay. While getting to this point has a certain degree of satisfaction, the fact that I’m older in life, and am only reaching this point now, makes the achievement seem much less significant. When a younger student, recently graduated from high school goes off into college and spend four years or slightly more working toward a degree, they graduate and it seems like such a great thing, but when a person, for whatever reason, has to wait till later to get to that point, it’s more like “Oh, that’s cute,” “Good for you” and more patronizing comments. I know this because I have heard it, and sensed it from people around me.

But more than that, I am conflicted as to what’s next. A person today has no time to look over the work that they just completed and take in its significance because all energies are cued in to the next step, the next chapter, or the next phase. Frankly, it can drive a person crazy war gaming the possibilities. And this is compounded by the fact that everyone seems to always want to know.

You want to know the truth? The only thing I’ve ever wanted out of life is to find someone special, and spend time getting to that point. Get married someday, and raise a family. What I do for a living is one aspect of who I am, and is nowhere near the total of what makes me. It seems to me that that the best relationships I know share this common theme.

And I know some might take that to mean that he simply wants to get married. Couldn’t be farther from the truth. I know enough about myself to know I’m nowhere near ready for that sort of thing, and I’ve seen the results of too many who have jumped to that point before they were ready. It’s not pretty, nor is a relationship something that can be entered into on a whim. It takes time, it needs cultivated before anything can come of it, and it can’t happen overnight.

Also, it’s never perfect. Far from it in fact. I have two friends who I consider to be happily married who, in the last year or so, saw a breakdown in their relationship that got to the point where I believe they considered separating. They didn’t, and god willing won’t, but it happens. So it’s not something that I take lightly. There comes a point when you know you’re ready, and for me, that’s a long way off.

There are going to be some changes coming my way in the next year. Some are going to be good, and some, I’ve been looking forward to for a long time. Others, I know from experience, will be not good, and some will simply suck. There’s no two ways about it. I’m not as optimistic as to what lies ahead as I have been in the past but I know it’s there, and has to be done.

Like I did last year, tonight before the ball drops and all the parties are in full swing, I’ll take a moment and take stock of all that has transpired in the last year. I’ll note the things I know now that I didn’t then, and the people I know now that I didn’t know, and I’ll ponder the possibilities that lie ahead. One year from today, things are going to have happened which will have brought pain, happiness, and satisfaction, and only I will be able to know which.

So Happy New Year to you, wherever you happen to be. Be safe, have fun, and take stock. We all owe it to ourselves to reflect once in a while, and today is as good a day as any to begin.